Our Brain's Filters, Our Bond Returns, and When Kyle Learned to Walk (on Video)

I started writing this entry on November 16th but never finished.   Much has changed in a month (as always with Kyle's ongoing recovery) but I wanted to leave this in so as to still chronicle the continuing ups and downs of our life.

November 16, 2015 

I try to be honest, honest about the road we travel with Kyle.

So in all honesty.....

Kyle and I are not on good terms right now.  This has been happening more and more lately.

Maybe I'm too sensitive.  Maybe I should try harder at letting it roll off my shoulders.  Try as I do though, sometimes it can just bog me down for days.  It just down right hurts.

He won't be able to read this because he's blocked me on on all social media.  I didn't agree with him on a particular behavior, and although I choose my words carefully when discussing important matters, he can just go off on me in an instant.



Frontal lobe injuries are the cause of lost "filters" in our brain and disinhibition is high on the list for TBI survivors.  When this filter is broken, things that we would normally just think about, but not actually say out loud, can just come flying out.  When your frontal lobe is damaged, there is no "braking mechanism" for self control.  And all of this increases with fatique.

This lack of awareness can certainly be harmful to Kyle and hurtful to those he aims it at.   Saying and doing exactly what you feel without being aware of the consequences is not exactly favorable for an 18 year old.

I'm starting to understand it is not deliberate, but even so...

This list defines the problem perfectly:

• Saying things to others that would normally be kept private. 
• Blurting out whatever comes to mind without self censoring first.
• Making comments that are hurtful to others.
• Respond abusively or aggressively to others because the filter to stop excessive responses (over reaction) is not in place. The anger seems out of proportion to the event that triggers it.
• Not following social / cultural rules. 
• Being disinhibited sexually. 
• Not being able to control urges as well. Eating excessively, or not monitoring amount when drinking alcohol.

So this was left unfinished, and that's ok.  I am happy to write today about better times.

December 13,2015

I had the best time with Kyle last weekend. Something we haven't had together in a long time.

We laughed, we explored, we shopped, we talked at length, we socialized, we gave back, and we laughed (that needed repeating).

On Sunday morning, we went for a walk/run that lasted two hours.  We discoverd the Stateville greenway, and the Parks and Rec fitness center, soccer fields, and track.  We found a huge playground and couldn't wait to tell Leanna.  We were just so excited with this new find.  And I was so happy reliving our long walks and talks from back in Atlanta.

In the afternoon we played Black Light Mini Golf and my first time ever Laser Tag.  I've never even seen the inside of a Laser Tag room so I had no idea what to expect.  Kyle and I were the only two in there playing and he made it so much fun for me, I haven't laughed that hard since I can remember.

I made sure to thank him many times.  And I am grateful for his continued healing.



Other things that made me smile....

Kyle AND Leanna both got their real Christmas trees  ♥

We enjoyed a great dinner, and we added Alex and Leo to our conversation.

                   

Too cute!  ♥  I'm told they adore him. (Thank you Laura for this priceless photo)

                   

(And this one too)  I think they have a special bond. And this hug is just what the Dr ordered.

               

To wonderful, wonderful friends. Thank you Laura and Gene ♥

                   

A Reflection on Goals, Dreams, and Hard Work....

                                                 



                                               


                                              


                                             

Letting loose of the reins (so to speak)  September, 2014

Atlanta in January, 2015

                     

Atlanta in January, 2015
He has little memory of these things, so we will never know what, if any, "reflective" thoughts he had.

                    

North Carolina in December

A Note To Kyle....

I know you have no memory of this, so as you watch this video of your first attempts at walking, (with that constant hum!! lol) know that we are all so proud of all your accomplishments and of all the goals that you are setting now.  We know it's a struggle, but stay focused and surround yourself with supportive people who love you and want to see you reach your dreams, just as you were surrounded in Atlanta.  Think clearly (yes I know that can be a challenge) but you can do this!  Be strong, dedicated and make good choices and you will go far.  You got this.

"Just a Little Peace of Mind"

That's all I'm asking.  Is that asking too much?

Am I more deserving than any other parent who worries about their children?  Am I dwelling on it too much?

I just want to be the coffee in that story of the carrots, egg, and coffee beans.  You know that story that floats around FB.  The grandma puts them all in boiling water... the carrots get softened, the egg gets hardened, but the winner, the winner is the coffee beans!



  " The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.  When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor.  If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you."

And So The Saga Continues

Needless to say, I still lay in bed every morning, harrassed by those darn unwelcomed thoughts that just keep coming . And the anxiety just keeps mounting.  I'd say from the photo above that there is no further explanation needed.

The story here is, as Kyle was turning into a parking lot, the sun was in his eyes and he ran right into a pole.  His airbag went off, but he said he was ok.

His angel of a neighbor, Laura, responded immediately and helped him in his time of need.  Wisked him off for a clean bill of health at the hospital, CT scan for reassurance.  We count our blessings.

And we thank you, Laura.

Now his truck is a different story.  It is totaled.  Until Greg could get down there with his Grand Marquis for Kyle, we paid for a very expensive taxi ride back and forth to school.  But Greg did get his car down there, and he did get Kyle's truck towed back home.

The story is still not over.  To add insult to injury (no pun intended), Kyle's garbage disposal broke and flooded the kitchen floor (Greg to the rescue),  then his dishwasher broke last week, and then the same week his refrigerator died!

Keeping in mind that Kyle has lost his sense of smell......

Laura:  "Kyle, omg,  what is that awful smell???

Kyle:  "Well, I don't know. Does it smell?"

Laura:  "Kyle.....Do you need to do your laundry?".......

Laura:  "Kyle, is your refrigerator working?" Things aren't cold."

Kyle's refrigerator was down for quite a few days before he knew it. I was told it smelled like there was a dead body in there.  *Sigh* ...a fridge full of food gone.

Just. Like. That.

So let's put the icing on the cake now.  While driving down Georgetown Rd on Wednesday, the brakes went out on my Blazer.  Yes, they really did.  I wish that feeling on no one.

I am more than greatful that I was going slow, and I don't even want to think of what could have happened if I were on 29.  I slowed down on the grassy shoulder and walked my way home in the rain.

"But, what's this?" you ask.

 

I'll try and make this short so I can get back to Kyle, but the Insurance Dispatcher did not tell The Towing Co that the vehicle had no brakes.    When the poor young man unloaded it off his truck, he went to back it up off the driveway.  Whooooops!  Yes, the glass is completely shattered. *sigh*  And life goes on.

Before I put this story to rest, I want to say thanks to everyone that took the time to write support for Kyle.  I was overwhelmed by so many of you.  As I'm sure was Kyle.  Thank you.

SkillsUSA Motorcycle Competition  ~  April 2015

Although Kyle never went on to Nationals after his 1st place State win in 2014 because of , well, because of being near dead, he went on to prove to himself a year after his accident, just what he is made of.

I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say we were all worried for him. The road to recovery was not nearly over.  He still didn't talk much, and his thought process was slow.  And how was he going to work as a One Armed Bandit?  The weakness in his left arm and hand was still considerable from his nerve damage.  But, despite all these worries, Kyle made us all very proud that day.

"Keep a goal in mind and go for it.  It doesn't matter if you achieve it.  It's the sheer drive and dedication and attempts.  That's what the true win is."  ~  A fellow TBI survivor

A Photo Gallery of Kyle's return to competition....

Kyle's good friend, Michael, competed in the small engines category.

Girl Power!

Kyle placed 5th in this competition.  A grand achievement, but what really mattered was that thanks to Mr. Freeman, Kyle was back in the saddle, now ready and determined to keep this dream alive.

You know what they say, Kyle?

When one door closes....

.....another always opens!

A Tad Late, but..."Welcome Home Kyle, 2014"

It's that time of year when we have to let go, to let our children become those independent human beings we spent the last 17 years working on.   I love seeing all the shared FB posts of Kyle's classmates as they head off to college, especially those he's known since kindergarten. They put a smile on my face.   But I also empathize with those first time parents who are wearing their hearts on their sleeves right now.  It's not Kyle's time quite yet, so I will enjoy everyone else's heartfelt thoughts and sentimental photography.  I am thrilled and happy to see everyone's accomplishments, but just remember, the sadness that we also feel is real.

....and that's ok.

Into Every Life, A Little Rain Must Fall....

The dreary morning that it was today was no help for me when fear, worry, and anxiety have become unwanted companions again.  I know it won't last.  But these bed fellows are here at this moment, at this time.  Kyle will be heading off soon and Greg, Alex and I worry for his short term memory loss, as does Kyle.  He still continues to make enormous strides.  And there is still so much more room for him to heal.  If you were to sit in front of a plant and watch it grow, day after day,  you wouldn't see it grow, but you would know.   So, as the quote says, somedays really are just putting one foot in front of the other.

Let The Sunshine In....

So here now are not college send-off pictures of Kyle, not just yet.  Here now are pictures that lifted my spirits today.  These photos of Kyle's "homecoming" may have been taken way back in October, but the images are always with me in the present.